Mother's Day Gift

I may have been given the best gift ever for Mother’s Day this year—time with my kids.

When my kids were toddlers and needed my attention almost every minute of the day-and night-older moms would tell me, ‘enjoy this time, it’s gone too soon.’

And it turns out that’s true, that time did seem to fly by, when I looked at it in the rear-view mirror. But while I was in the throes of babydom and toddlerhood, I had not a minute to contemplate how this time with my kids would soon be gone—because they were so much work.

It was exhausting-there were not enough joyful moments woven into the day of unending personal care; feeding, clothing, bathing, toileting—it was never-ending. And then there was the guilt I experienced for wishing the day would come to an end, wishing the kids would finally be able to go to school, wishing I could have a moment to myself.

I was fortunate that I got to spend those early years with my kids. I wouldn’t have wanted to leave them in the hands of others. But it was tough, and when I look back at those years, I don’t remember a great deal because I was so tired.

Then came the school years and with each grade, the year seemed to fly by faster and faster. The first day of school and the last seemed to happen in the blink of an eye.

The past few years, as my oldest child edges closer and closer to high school, I find myself thinking too much about what life will be like when she leaves home. And it makes me very anxious. I can’t imagine life without seeing her every day. There will only be two of us, and then only one—and the thought of that induces a small degree of terror in my heart.

That is why this year, I consider the COVID-19 shutdown a gift. I have not spent this much time with my kids since they started pre-kindergarden. And the time we share now, is not the same as the time we spent together then. Now we discuss the news, whose making supper tonight and what we’ll watch for our next movie night. There are no diapers, no temper tantrums, and no endless hours of oversight and care.

We end almost every day with a chat in my bed—the three of us talking about nothing for an hour or more.

The best gift I’ll ever get for Mother’s Day is this uninterrupted time with my kids when they are becoming young adults. While many horrible things have been happening, especially in this province, I have much to be thankful for and the best part is that I know it.  

And that's OK

It's almost Mother's Day and people are starting to post their “I love mom” photo frames on Facebook. There are lots of different styles and fonts but the one I am looking for doesn't seem to exist. The one I am looking for says, “I don't love my mother, and that's ok.”

Every year people like me who are estranged from their mothers, get bombarded by the Mother's Day love fest. I was lucky enough that even though I didn't have a mother I could love I had other mothers in my life who were very loveable.

I never felt scarred by the experience of not loving my mother, it was when I did love her that I was most in pain. Once I got over that, life got a lot easier.

Many's the time that people have told me that I should work for a relationship with my mother cause won't I feel a deep grief if I don't? I don't feel any grief, I feel relief. My rule of thumb in personal relationships is that if you are in my life you have to either maintain the status quo of contentment or make it better. If you make my life a worse place to be – you have no place in it.

I don't feel bad. I don't feel like I am missing anything. I don't love my mother and that's ok.

While I don't love my mother I also don't hate her. I am indifferent. I treat her as I would treat any stranger on the street. I am friendly, invite her in my house, talk about the weather, offer her tea-- but that is as far as it goes.

This works for me and it might work for other people too if they didn't feel like there was a biological imperative to be 'close' to their mothers no matter what kind of hell might ensue.

I am writing this because I want other people to know that it is ok, you can be a good person and not love your mother. You may be better off breaking that toxic bond—if it is impacting your life in a negative way.

And for those of you that have those 'I love mom' frames; enjoy your moms, love them ferociously. When I see those lovely photos they highlight all the moms I want to emulate in my own motherhood. They should be fully celebrated—this is just a little nod to those of us who won't be posting those pictures.