No more kid free vacations

Cousin time

A mother should always vacation with her children. And this is not for the reasons you may be thinking—creating memories, educational experiences, bonding, etc.

No, it is because if you have time off from the mommy job it is really hard to readjust to being the one thing those little people can't live without.

Almost two years ago I went on vacation without my kids. Actually it wasn't really a vacation, although it often felt like one; I was flying solo –literally-- to Massachusetts for my grandfather's funeral. For reasons beyond my control, I could not take my children, who were 3 and 5 years old, at the time. So for five days I was kid-free. For the first time in years I was living free and easy; no crying, no fighting, no meals to get on the table at scheduled times.

The first night I arrived ended up being the first party night I had had in more than 5 years. My cousins and I, many of whom I had not seen in years, went out on the town. We went to a loud, raunchy bar, and then out for late night nachos. It was awesome. I didn't have to worry about getting home for a sitter or worry about dealing with little children while suffering from a pounding hangover the next day.

The rest of the week was a little less carefree. I attended a day's worth of wake for my grandfather, and his funeral the next. Despite that, it still felt like a vacation.

As I sat on the plane returning to Nova Scotia-- my mind was turning over the duality of life. I was looking forward to seeing my children but I did not have the same enthusiasm for returning to the mommy job.

It was a few days after I got back before I felt like I was back in mommy mode but I did learn a valuable lesson; those breaks that I often longed for from my kids were not worth the mental toll it took on me when I had to come back to my mommy world.

This summer I have had lots of vacation time; lots of time exploring new places and things with my kids. While sometimes I might have liked to be alone; it's been good to share these adventures. Right now it is time to make lunch as we spend our last weekend of the summer farm-sitting for some friends. Cows, chickens, a dog and a big barn--the kids are loving it and I am writing. What could be a more perfect vacation.

Run for my life

I run because I can't stop. Because if I stop I'll never start again.

I know in the past I have banned the word 'tired' from my vocabulary but that has not made the problem disappear.

I am so tired; so tired that I feel I am missing out on the best parts of life.

So I started running-- I run so that some part of my life feels like it is keeping up, like some part seems energetic. How could a person who can run 5 miles possibly be suffering from severe fatigue?

I run so I have a reason to be tired. Instead of just being tired for no known reason.

About three years ago I was so tired I couldn't move. I went to bed at 6 pm and if either of my two children who were 2 and 5 years old at the time needed anything; they had to fend for themselves.

When I got in bed, moving a leg from under the covers was physically impossible.

My doctor diagnosed me with hypo-thyroidism and I have been on synthetic thyroid hormone ever since and will be indefinitely. But I have not reclaimed the old me.

I was always defined as a hyper person-- one who needed to be weighed down with ballast to stay in one spot. Not any more.

I try not to think too much about being tired but sometimes I wonder how it is that I am going to live the rest of my life in this tired state.

Today I read an article in The New Yorker about a woman in a similar predicament—she became an extraordinary slave to her thyroid diagnoses and spent most of her time trying to find a cure for her disease. In the end she realized that she just had to accept that she would always be 80 percent well and live with it –instead of live by it.

I am used to living with chronic health problems – I have lived with one my entire life and I have taken it in my stride and I will live with this too. But some days it gets me down. Sometimes I just want to tell people that I just can't do one---more--- thing---today. In fact, I often do tell my kids; they are pretty used to putting their mother to bed.

So I run to fight back this disease/condition/this whatever-it-is that is slowing me down. I run and when I run I think about how I'll be tired for a reason that night.