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Friday, December 31, 2010

I had a dream

I woke up this morning from a horrible dream. I left off cornering Tets in my grandmother's out building, pleading with him to tell me where my children were and him giving me that look that he reserves for folks when he is playing the martyr.

What a way to wake up. When he visits my stress level goes up no matter what he is actually doing. It's all that he has done and might do that puts me on edge.

In this dream I was leaving him, escaping to my grandmother's house; which is essentially what I did in real life.

Leaving wasn't easy. I wasn't physically abused but his mental difficulty with me and the actions he took to satisfy his intense jealousy and hatred of me did scare me.

He followed me to work, not at a distance, but right on my heels, getting into the same cab, pulling me back in when I tried to get out, finally I convinced the driver not to drive us and got out and continiued to the Skytrain.

He followed me up the escalator. I told him then if he followed me, I was leaving him. He continiued all the way to work. At work I called a big 6'3 Scotsman I knew, husband of a friend and an acquaintance of Tets, I asked him to somehow help me with the situation. They went out for beers that night but that was the extent of the help available.

He came home at all hours of the day from his work 2 hours driving time away to catch me in the act of cheating. The only person I was cheating on him with was our daughter who was less than one year old.

He went through the trash in the apartment building to search for clues of my supposed infidelity. I can't imagine what the guards thought of him. They knew my movements, who was in and out of the building; they had to have known he was crazy.

Finally, I had had enough and I planned my escape. I was supposed to be moving from Bangkok to Japan to live with his parents, Bangkok was getting dangerous, with a side trip home to the U.S. so I could visit my family. I changed the plans and moved the date of the flight forward, to Boston no return.

The day before the flight we had a councilling session. We had been seeing a relationship councilor for months before our first daughter was born. It was there, with our councilor, that I told him we were leaving the next day and not returning to Japan.

I would have liked to have use less shock and awe tactics but I was afraid. He had been so irrational lately, I had no idea what he would do. I thought that given only one day, he wouldn't manage to do much.

I can't remember that last day. I was so stressed out and scared that something would happen. My friends, the tall Scotsman and his big American wife, drove us to the airport. Tets came with us and saw us off.

When the plane took off, I was headed toward uncertainty but I had left behind crazy and was feeling much better.

When he visits these type of anxieties have a way of cropping back up. He unsettles me. I always look forward to his arrival, some time for myself away from the kids, but there is always the nervous feeling I get leaving them with him. I honestly don't think he'd take them away, his visits have shown him how incapable he is of handling them. But a part of him hates me so much he could do it for spite.

So I dreamt of leaving him and loosing the kids. It's not the first time. I can look across the road and see his car in my yard and I know that their passports are safely tucked away where he wouldn't look.

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