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Sunday, February 15, 2015

This little light of mine

You never know where life will lead.

Just over seven years ago I had a big decision to make; I found myself newly single, with a 1 1/2 year old child, and pregnant.

I was living off the generosity of my family and had no idea what the future would hold.

I had just left all that I had established in the world as an adult; my job, my house, my friends and flew toward the unknown. I was completely adrift with no idea how I could move forward and had no way of turning back from whence I had come.

Finding out I was pregnant was a surprise although I had been trying to get pregnant ever since the arrival of my first child; I believe in the benefits of having more than one child. But then life got in the way and got messy. I wasn't looking for a second child anymore; I was looking for a way out. And I took the first available flight. But on the other side of the world I got the news that I was hoping for only months before. My timing needed work.

So my decision, which did not take me long to make, was to continue with the pregnancy. Although all I had to offer at the time was less than nothing financially. And love...I was not sure I had that either. Could I really love this new child? I was so devoted to my first child there barely seemed room enough for even the thought of love for anyone else-- let alone a baby that I knew would demand most of my already monopolized attention.

Time moved forward and so did that child inside of me.

Unlike my first pregnancy I really did not feel a great deal of connection to the life I was carrying. I think I was too busy getting through the toddler days that left me too exhausted to think about much else.

Eventually the girl arrived. As soon as I held her I knew that I had made the right decision and the love that I had wondered about came out in full bloom.

Within several weeks after my girl was born things became even less tenable-- I had to leave the United States and return to Canada. With a six week old infant and a 2-year-old toddler I drove to Nova Scotia and waited to see what would happen next.

It was hard going-- I have never been poorer but I never once thought I had made the wrong choice about that second child. She's a great light and life would have been tougher as a family of two.

My grandmother, ever practical, told me it was unfortunate I had had this little one. That didn't mean she didn't love the girl but she saw my decision as a harder row to hoe-- and well it might have been harder in some ways but not in others. I would have regretted not having a second child, not giving my first child a friend for life, a sibling.

This girl is fascinating, caring, funny, and a million other adjectives. I look forward to the next piece of wisdom she'll impart to me at the supper table. I love the way she values her sister, her grandparents, and her friends. She's a wonder. The best decision I ever made.

Happy birthday to his little light of mine. She's going to shine.

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